Truthful Tuesday: a collection of mental ramblings I’ve had ..

Truthful Tuesday: a collection of mental ramblings I’ve had today I used to be more “complimenty” “nice” and “😍🥰😍♥️♥️♥️“ towards black men I... turned it off quite abruptly because of some of the experiences and interactions I had. It peaked when the rumors that went on about me and “Xavier woods” from WWE? (which aren’t true, I never slept with him. He’s a very nice wholesome man. I respect and adore him as a friend. I’m not a big talker. He was always very kind to me even when I couldn’t talk. I’m a listener/ hang out type of person) that period was... annoying??? Scary? Sometimes people catfish as me and they harassed his wife and family and friends as me. I had no idea. People hate me that much. They caused a lot of trouble for them and I wish that they didn’t do that to them. They didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that either. I felt like I couldn’t have friends cuz I didn’t want the catfisher to do any more of that to my friends. People were sending my family members nude photos of me. Also my friends and followers. I didn’t want any more trouble. There was also nothing that I could do. I’ll say it again. I never slept with him. I also saw some comments that accused me of fetishizing black men by black people. I felt hurt and bad that me giving out compliments or extra love seemed to be damaging of me. It took me aback reading them and It was mentally/emotionally giving me trouble. I started questioning whether my actions were harmful and I believed that I couldn’t challenge what they were saying. In my mind I was like... if they say I was hurting black people with these actions then I can’t deny them and I have to stop. Im a “happy to shower with love” kind of person and I feel bad that I’m not portraying it in the way that they would perceive it to be acceptable or “real” I’m really confused about a handful of things like this. They believed I was toxic in that way and it made me feel as if it would be better if I didn’t compliment black people so publicly or talk a lot. But I want to. I feel like if I wanted to scream I love big black cock on a mountain I’m allowed to. 🤷🏻‍♀️🇺🇸 Even though I love black people a lot, I guess I should be doing more for my own people? I wish people would stop telling me that because I want to argue for everyone and I feel like I can if everyone could just shut the fuck up with their stupid comments. 🙄. Idk Asian and Asian American history was pretty non-existent in school for me so maybe that’s why I’m not so focused on it? I didn’t value Asian culture a lot because it wasn’t really prioritized in my public school education, either. And I wasn’t raised with the love or appreciation for it, either??? After all, my family escaped the country to be here sooooooo you all know it wasn’t that valuable to begin with. I don’t mean to be self hating and I’m growing to love Asian culture. I must. I’ve been on the down low trying to learn and appreciate Asian culture, but it’s.... dark. And needs improvements. The history is no good. It’s scary and horrific. There’s no denying it and I never denied it. I would love to love my own Asian culture, ethnicity, race, history. And I will. Bit by bit. While improving it. Don’t mind me. I’m just talking to myself to ground myself. I just had someone make fun of me for studying sericulture and learning about silkworms. It doesn’t feel good. Fuck you and fuck off. People have been vicious and unrelenting. Especially m2k crowd. The fake article where they hired the writer after he slandered me has been annoying. I never hired anybody and I definitely never wrote a contract or lie. It feels shitty that they can do whatever they want even if it hurts women. I stopped going to anime conventions cuz they kept finding me there and saying inappropriate things to me. And at EVO. As if the r🔫venge porn didn’t ruin my life enough. Idk, I feel lost about it and I’m not really sure where to go from here. All I know is that I want to be happy and live a love and laugh filled life. I love loving cuz I didn’t have that with my family. It feels good to love and I deserve to express love. It makes me happy to love. I don’t talk about Hispanic people a lot cuz my great grandfather is Cuban Chinese and he was a big humanitarian that did a lot for Hispanic people already. I didn’t mean to make people feel like they’re on a back burner so I’m sorry if I’ve done that. I also thought I spoke up about Hispanic people sometimes. I love Hispanic people and I’m sorry to any groups of people that feel like I don’t care about them or aren’t giving them the respect and attention they deserve. I know I look like a nut bag when I post and I’m not sure what people expect from me. There’s only so much I can scream about before people unfollow me for looking nuts. People should just leave me alone if they’re not well-intentioned. I have a lot of projects and goals for myself and I have heavy depression from all the bullying and challenging experiences. It’s weird to read messages and comments from people saying you don’t do enough and that you do too much, which is it??? Can I just like... learn and understand at my own pace? 😅 I can only be so annoying for so long for so many people causes and subjects. I’m just one goddess. 🤣 Idk. I feel like I’m sharing things bit by bit and I get thrown off when someone “comes in” and distorts my intentions or interactions before I finish my whole story. I’m gonna try and forget other people exist for a bit. Will be streaming again soon cuz I’m not feeling very grounded right now. 😅 imma need y’all to give me that divine calm and strong energy. 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽